Thursday, August 18, 2011

Junk Mail

I feel the need to break my lengthily silence by bring you an important announcement.


In some cases, such as a Lovely Monty Python sketch about the canned version of this word, are a wonderful kind of ridiculous that makes me happy.

Junk Email version is not that kind of ridiculous, but a worse more aggravating and time consuming mash of crap.
Now you might already know this, consider yourself lucky, but there are a large, massive group of people who do not know. How do I know they don’t know? SPAM STILL EXISTS! If people knew about SPAM, SPAM would be inefficient and a waste of time and money.

So. I’ll give you a snippet from my email to let you see the kind of SPAM I have and how to tell from the title. Besides, you know the obvious that it’s in my JUNK folder.
Okay, this is pretty easy to spot. One: Are you female? Then you probably don’t give a shit and didn’t sign up for enlargements to your nonexistent cock. Two: If you are male did you sign up for this? If so it wouldn’t go to junk. This rule can be applied to just about every email you’ll see, however in this case you should NEVER BUY YOUR DRUGS ONLINE. For real. That’s just creepy shit.
BREAKING NEWS: I ALREADY DO WORK ON THE INTERWEBS!! Job offers to not come to you titled as such, only scams do. They’ll probably then ask for your credit card. Maybe a mailing address or another professional email to send you updates and information on how you can start your own interweb business! It’s Magic! All you do is point and click!
If you think it’s as easy as opening an email wake up. It’s not. Besides, ask yourself, why are they contacting you? Who are you? Why should/would they care to get you working online? Have you ever considered they’re trying to fuck with your shit!?
Paid surveys might have been a good idea once. You see the ads ‘Stay at Home Mom makes 2000/week by doing surveys!!’ Even if it was true (which it isn’t) they’re not telling you about the 98% of other people who sign up for ‘paid surveys’ and get attacked by other offers until their inbox crashes.  Stop. Think. Review. Who the fuck will pay you for your opinion when you can get a million people’s online FOR FREAKING FREE! It’s a marketing scam. An evil one. DO NOT OPEN.
Flags should start going off by the words ‘Social Alert’. What social media platform of ANY kind refers to their alerts as ‘SOCIAL ALERTS’? None! They’ll say ‘Facebook Message’ or ‘’ in the sender’s box. Which could still be SPAM but much more stealthily hidden SPAM. This is just... don’t open it. I really wish when you did the private message read ‘You’re a Tool!” because you are if you do. These are meant to trap you into going to a similar looking website, put in personal information and then lose all privacy you once thought you could never lose. Don’t click anything justDELETE.
Okay this isn’t SPAM, but ended up in Junk because sometimes you need to check and it happens. I am registered with Google Earth (from high school mind you so it’s staying in junk). Think before clicking, Did I ever sign up for this? If you can’t remember it wasn’t important and you don’t need to open the damn mail. This goes the same for:
Maybe I should open that NVIDIA one... but eh. My drivers work, and I do not care about 3D glasses.
OMG this was why I’m writing this. First, it’s brilliant because everyone quoting the insane Charlie Sheen. He’s made of Tiger Blood – did you know? #Winning! But it’s a scam. No one on Sheen’s PR team gives a shit about you or me for that matter. They don’t want you to find ways to stop wasting your time and earn more money. They want you to open your wallet for some tutorial on how to have Tiger Blood and be like a fucking fighter jet while you pay 12.99/minute for advice you can get on Drunk Hulk’s Twitter feed. (Note: It’s awesome, with linky goodness. @DRUNKHULK )
Anyone offering you gold online either wants you to suck their elven WOW cock or they’re trying to steal real money. Cash4Gold my ass.
This is my favourite though. First, note the attachment and run away. It’s bad news bears my friends and you do NOT want to get hacked. Also, you will not have won a random string of numbers! Sometimes you will win actual thing but if they’re contacting you with the name ‘=Ms. E.Mail Lottery’ they’re probably planning to sell your credit card number and financial information. This would be a wise moment to back the fuck away from the computer, have a good laugh and promptly give your screen the finger. Yes. Do it. It’ll make you feel better. Annnnnd delete!
The rest is the same old bullshit as seen above. You might also get some email from Peter something or other who really needs your help! He’s in a terrible situation, he has no bank account to put his 12 million dollars and needs you to just give him your account numbers, he’ll put his money there and then withdraw only 10 million on the ‘morrow. You can have the rest for doing him such an honour.
Please note this is when he takes all your money, credit cards and anything else attached to the accounts you’ve sent him. Peter then never responds to your emails and he and his 12 million disappear from your life as your debt racks up halfway across the world.

It sucks, but these people do exist and you need to stop feeding them reasons to annoy me an my Junk Mailbox. If no one fell for this bullshit my junk folder would only be filled with updates I don’t care about instead of penis enlargements and GOOLLLLDD!!

Be kind. Please delete.
Do not perpetuate the SPAM.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Sad Soul on the PA

There’s always that one person in your office that’s on the PA way too much. Announcing phone calls, forgets to hang up the line, the one who laughs really hard or talks RIGHT against the phone so you can hear their haggard breathing from having walked up the stairs.

There’s also the sad soul.
The voice of a man or woman that comes on and behind it hides all the tones of sadness. Not happy with their job, or marriage or just disappointed with their life. There’s always one at the office.

Luckily here it’s all rolled into one; the lifer in customer service. Or well, one of the lifers.
 She’s a ‘round’ woman, so says the girl who’s a little ‘round’ herself. But like, really round and sounds round. She breaths so hard into the phone and when she goes on that some of our phone receivers crack out. Then there’s the tension, anger and underlying sadness mingled together in a sloppy insipid soup. You don’t even get this sort of strained attempt of emotion when listening to that stupid sad CSI music; you know the one where they uncover the dead body of a young woman that died for all the wrong reasons and one of the cast is all sad-face because THIS ONE really grinds their gears.

Like really depressing tones you just can’t miss and sometimes I think all of us in the office take a moment to mourn her, until we all remember the way she blares over the PA in the morning stifling sympathy as we all wince with minor headaches.

Then there’s radio voice guy. No explanation required. Countered with angry middle-eastern VP, impossible to understand Mediterranean Zibby (real name, super nice sweet man), younger female co-worker who is afraid to use it and older male co-worker who doesn’t know how and gets cute younger one to do it for him.

Oh how we have our PA atrocity diversity nailed.
I’m the girl with the slight lisp. I pronounce my s’s a little strong. I’m sure it drives everyone mad! But that’s for another day I think.  

Friday, June 10, 2011

Stealth Tips for Going Online at Work...

...when you shouldn't.

I don’t know about you, but I am ‘not permitted’ to be online while at work. This has resulted into hours of sneaking and boredom trying to find a way into the interwebs to satisfy my need to be connected.
At all times.

So I thought, I could pass on some tips! For sneaky Ninja like surfing to hopefully get you through the day of mindless day job tasks.

1.Don’t get caught. 
Seems obvious? Yeah, not so much. Just because you think you’re not caught, doesn’t mean you’re in the clear. I recently was pulled in for a ‘meeting’ where the internet policy was run by me again. Not for Twitter or Facebook (which I did scam) but for Weather Network and LinkedIn, sites that I would think wouldn’t be work inappropriate.
But I didn’t know I was caught. I continued to use, continued to head online and check updates until this meeting. Now I’m more wary. Still go online (it’s an addiction) but much more cautious.

2.Rotate Monitor.
If you’re lucky enough to be in your own office GOLDEN! If you’re not, this simply technique will help in keeping your free from awkward internet usage meetings (unless they’re tracking you – then you’re fucked). It’s simple too, just pretend to reorganize your desk. Move your in Tray so you HAVE to move your monitor to face away from any openings.
I unfortunately, am right by the entrance/exit. My cubicle leaves only one spot for a monitor which is a perfect viewing station for ANYONE walking by. Despite that, I’ve gone 1.5 years without getting caught online. Or at least without anyone giving a damn.

3. Windowed view.
Make your interwebs as small as possible. If you’re talking just on msn have just that window available. If you’re on twitter, minimize so it looks like a small section on your screen. THEN when someone walks by you can click elsewhere and what you were doing will disappear instantly. It makes less of a visual distraction than if you minimize a huge screen.

4. Type into word before typing into a web browser.
They don’t expect you to be typing in word, but they also can’t often tell the difference when walking by between word and an email. SO type all your business in one area (I’m typing into word as we speak!) and then past it later. When you have the opportune time. This also helps with spelling if you’re a fan of spell check.

5. Cell Phone Interwebs
This is all hypothetical but I can’t wait until it’s not: get a cell phone with internet capabilities. That way you can ‘go out for a smoke’, ‘get some fresh air’ or ‘take a piss’ and you too can surf the web on your mobile device. Worst case is they ask you to put your cell away. Just be sure that you do it out of sight, if you do it at your desk without reason to check at your desk (I don’t have my work email sent to a Blackberry and never will while here) than you’re a target for a rules and regulations smack down!

6. Company Website
If you need to be online at all, or if you can scam it off as [art of your job, just be sure to always have one of the tabs set to the company website. THAT way you can quickly switch tabs to the right website when someone walks up and say ‘Oh hey, sorry one sec. Just checking (insert Bullshit here) on the website. I can never remember’. You’re golden.

Moral of the story:
Don’t go mad at your job, but don’t get fired for stupid things.
Despite really hating the fact that they’re watching our office really closely for internet usage and violations of contract, blah blah blah, I need this job for now and won’t f-it up to post nonsense on twitter. Nor should you.

However if you can get away with it, JAWESOME!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Bathroom Misadventures: Stickies = Tool

Bathroom Misadventures: Stickies are a Viable and Effective Communication Tool  

I am an honest person, or at least would like to think so. So I’ll be an honest lass and tell you that I did not do this! But it did happen at work, and with such popularity of TMGP I think some more bathroom misadventures need some attention.

I just went to the bathroom. Hurray for me!
When I went in to sit down I found this on the toilet seat.

No joke- it took two stickies to encapsulate this rage.

Now most of us have experienced sharing a bathroom with a guy. Aim is a luxury, not a necessity it would appear but I have NEVER thought this of women.
I’m more fascinated with the fact that right there, below the little yellow notes were little yellow dots of liquid splashed upon the seat. How in GODS NAME DID SHE DO IT!? Which one of us women is the magical piss monster who urinates a trail to let others know she’s been there.

We’ve all been there sister! We don’t need droplet’s to prove it!

Anyways, it’s still there now. I laughed pretty hard when I read the notes (not by me I swear! And I’m not the Phantom Pisser either. ) So hard I had to photocopy them.
Before pasting them back on the toilet seat.

I’m pretty miffed about peed on seats buddy.

This is where I open the flood gates (OH WHAT A PUN!) and ask for your Potty Stories: and no, we don’t need ACTUAL pictures, but renditions ala stickies and scribbles are always appreciated.


Yeah, that's right. A little MS Paint makes everyone happy. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

TMGP + Bathroom Campers

I HATE Bathroom Campers.

It’s exactly as it sounds: people who camp in bathroom stalls. Now I know no one likes to talk about poop, or pee or other bodily functions. Or well, it’s not considered ‘high-brow’ but because of that bathroom etiquette is all kinds of important.

Especially at the goddamn office.

I work for a job I don’t like, and there are quite a few people here who I think are in the same situation, or were and have never left. It’s life, I understand how sad it is and how much we all hate our jobs BUT COME ON!

We only have two stalls at this office (problem 1) and one woman from customer service, every day, takes a shit. I’m happy she’s regular, I understand some people have a ‘schedule’ and like to adhere to it.

This does not include reading a book for an hour.
On the toilet.
One of only two.

So she sits there. And sits there. Turning her pages, grumbling, laughing sometimes at what she’s reading. I understand how sometimes we all just need a break, but don’t take it with your pants down (she’s one of those women who lets them go alllll the way to the floor with a very public view of her granny panties) on the toilet after you’ve done your business.


I’ve gone 3x’s now and each time she’s still in there, and someone else is in the other stall. I don’t blame the other person at all, but this one woman.... How long does one want to sit above their poop reading!? I wouldn’t want to! Poop Stinks! AND I NEED TO PEE!

Anyhoo, I think I’ve met my quota for saying ‘poop’ in under 300 words.

I’ll probably just resort to a Tim’s break and grab me an IceCap before tackling RIB FEST TONIGHT! Yeah, jealous? I bet you are. I’m jealous of future me.
I want ribs, but that’s for later. (Update because I wrote this on Friday : ribs were pretty good, bloomin' onion was MUCH better)

Because it's not enough that only I had to see it! 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Nostalgia and Mr. Williams

It came to my attention this morning, an email from a friend reminded me that I haven’t heard the Good Morning Vietnam CD in years.

Do you know how this makes me feel? Super Bad-News-Bears.

This CD could probably claim to have raised me through a better part of my childhood, and proudly I’d call it an active agent in rearing me into the slightly cynical, bitter and super silly gal I am today.

When I was a girl my dad would take us up to the cottage. Not really ‘our’ cottage but the cottage of my Dads wife’s (my stepmom), sister’s husband’s family cottage. It was just outside of Bancroft and probably one of my favourite places on the whole planet. Foster Lake, a small tiny lake I used to swim across on warm days, where we used to sit on the dock during rain storms and watch the five seconds where the rain hit the other side of the lake before it hit us.
It’s was the place you read about in books, the smell of wood burning, mosquito’s buzzing in your ears, bats in the rafters of this original log cabin built by Uncle Rick’s grand-someone (Dad’s wife’s, sister’s husband) a long long time ago. We would fish, there was a kamikaze seagull named Kirby and a snapping turtle that is still there.
The seagull is immortal. I’m convinced. And I’ll explain him later, he gets a post all on his own.

But this cottage was a refuge from the digital and crowded world. There were only five cottages on the lake when I was a kid. Now there’s five cottages and a ridiculous house... don’t know why but anyways. It was secluded. Because it was not really connected to any other lakes by anything but a stream or two few people ever came. Rick’s family owns two cottages on the lake (now three, the old ladies gave it to him because he was such a nice guy and maintained it for them for years!), these two old spinsters who he helped out, a cop and an old military man. The military man’s cottage had no road so they often got a small private plan in. Super cool but I haven’t seen that in probably 15+ years.

It’s where I first started writing, playing D&D with my brother, where I started and stopped fishing (I don’t like hurting fishies), where I learned to shoot a bb-gun, a riffle and chop wood. I was taught how to react when a bear comes into the cold room where the kids tiny potty was (Not fun) and how to create a mosquito proof tent to sleep in at night, only to stay up because the bats or cute mice were squeaking.

This place was heaven. Probably still is, if Rick hasn’t updated it. The running water was from the lake, can’t drink it. And the lights were made of gas. They hummed at night, with the occasional fizzle if a moth got too close.

At night there were fires and guitar singing by my Dad and during the day there was Good Morning Vietnam. I think it started one year when we came up and left all the music at home. No CD’s, no tapes and we were left to go through Rick’s CD collection.

It sucked, let me tell you. For a girl who loved Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys and Our Lady Peace (yeah I know, weird combo) his strange mix of country and weird comedy CD’s was maddening. My dad would play at first but he couldn’t do things and play guitar at the same time.
So we put on a CD to a movie I’d never seen.

Its stars Robin Williams, and if you don’t know the movie go watch it now. It’s great, sad, wonderful, hilarious, strange and beautiful. He’s a radio announcer who instead of reading the normal crap to the troops  in Vietnam he has a fake radio show called ‘Good Morning Vietnam’. Short form: he’s ridiculous on it. He makes literature references, cracks silly jokes and even explains some things in his strange range of fictional character voices.

I fell in love with the CD. We would play it from beginning to end, the put it on again because it was better than the movie. It was something we sang to, laughed to, repeated the jokes all week long. We hooked the CD played up to a car battery to keep it going and we listened until Dad picked up his guitar and took over the show ‘round the fire at night.
Good Morning Vietnam was my personal cottage tour guide, telling me about a war I didn’t know about, introducing me to music that, despite hating anywhere else, I loved in the sequence of the CD (example: TimeWarp)

We would go out fishing in the boat and leave the CD playing, we’d swim with Robin Williams imitating the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys.
“We represent the ARVN army, the ARVN army. Oh no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail!”
“Oh! I'll get you my pretty!”
“Oh my God! It's the wicked Witch of the North! It's Hanoi Hannah!”
“Now, little GI, you and your little Toto too!”

I didn’t know what half of it was referencing but I loved it. I still love it.

Now, there’s a beauty to knowing something before you know it. This CD, I’m pretty damn sure I knew off by heart before I ever watched the movie. Seeing the movie was nostalgic, and reminded me of all the good times at the cottage. Whenever I hear a reference to this I remember the rules I was taught up there.
Don’t leave garbage on the ground, bears will come.
Leave the beavers alone, they bite (don’t know if they do, but I believed it!)
You hold the BB-Gun next to your cheek, but not against it.
This is how you take a lure out of a fishies cheek.
Build a Tepee when making your fire. Shields it from the wind.

This CD and the Cottage song (A song my dad sings that I never learned the name to that thus became dubbed the cottage song) always remind me of my youth and the outdoors.

I’m a sad panda for not having listened to it lately, but if I do see it at an HMV, movie or CD, that shit is mine.

I heart you Robin Williams, you and Good Morning Vietnam.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Reclaiming the 'Bad-News-Bears'

Let me preface this with I don’t remember the movie. I don’t know where I heard the saying, maybe I saw the Walter Matthau flick when I was a kid. Or the remake with Billy Bob Thorton... Maybe at my Gramma’s house, it would totally be a Gramma’s house kind of movie. A drunk, less than special kids that turned out okay despite the horrible beginnings.
And don’t forget the drunk. Every family has one!

But the term ‘Bad-News’Bears’ has been reclaimed.

By me.

I’ve taken it and changed whatever meaning it hd before to something new and kind of un-related. I don’t think it has to do with the movie, maybe it did in my twisted memory, but it’s not theirs anymore.
Bad-News-Bears belongs to me.

Now, what, you might ask, does it mean?
Think of something that went wrong. Say your friend tipped, spilt their beer (to keep up the alcohol themed post) and stood there looking so very very sad afterwards, lost and broken.

THAT is when you say Bad-News-Bears.

Or when you are realllly drunk, it’s been the end of the night and you are sooo hungry but the local diner/McDonalds/Burger place is closed and you just stand there, staring at the door with puppy dog eyes and a quivering lip.

“That is super Bad-News-Bears. “

Or your friends are over, you’re havin’ a bash and you go to your fridge only to find empty’s instead of full beers. And everyone’s tanked. YOU have to go to the liquor store if you want anything.

“Holy-Bad-News-Bears Batman!!”

It’s that feeling you get when something you depended on, nothing terribly important of course, but something you wanted, like balance, a beer or munchies- and you just can’t have it. Bad-News-Bears events are not the end of the world by any means. They’re just those moments in life you wish didn’t happen but can’t really take back that moment of ‘goddammit This shit is Bad-News-Bears!’

Suzy Pout Face circa
Royal Wedding 2011

And then you pout. That is proper Bad-News-Bears etiquette.
Suzy-Pout-Face Demands it.
Her day was totally Bad-News-Bears.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Interview Tips (of the not so serious variety)

From the Girl who seems to ROCK interviews but can’t land the goddamn jobs.

For the last year and a half I’ve been job hunting. Actually, more accurately I’ve been hunting since about May of 2009. WOW does that make me feel old... I’ve found a job but not what I want to do and so the search continued.
And continued.
And continues still...

I’ve noticed that I interview well, though my interviewers have not been as... prepared for the process. So these are some tips not to be prepared yourself but to prepare yourself for the unprepared interviewers.

Tip#1: Be Prepared with resume. Like REALLY prepared.
Everyone tells you this, and yes I’ve said ‘prepared’ more than 5 times so far (counting... 1..2..3... okay only 5 times, but still) so being prepared is very important. I mean in this sense to always have duplicates. Why? Because nearly every single interview I’ve gone to, including phone interviews bringing it a to a total of around 6-8 in the last year alone, have forgotten a copy of my resume elsewhere.

Now lets look at this not in the ‘oh people just get distracted’ context but as a tip for when you’re judging this potential employer. When you prep for a meeting you bring your presentation. You bring all tools you’ll need and extra, just in case! Why is it that interviewers, who prize this abilities in their applicants, can’t do it themselves?

BE PREPARED WITH EXTRA PAPERWORK: they’ll forget it. They’ll forget that they forgot it and then they’ll look at you with that ‘yeah, so where’s my extra copy bitch’ look when you present them a clean, coloured copy of your cover letter, resume, references and of course that portfolio you never mentioned, they never asked for but know they’ll salivate over and require to validate your abilities and experience. It’s over preparation, I know this. Like why are you bringing a copy of the paperwork to your bosses office when you know he already has the report that he’s made notes on.

I’ve even had an interviewer get up, say ‘no thank you, mine has notes’ and proceed to scour the office for 10 minutes looking for a piece of paper they can’t find.
It’s unprofessional and is sign #1 that they are not the match for you.

(I will counter each point with a super serious one. Seriously, take extras. Yes it blows, but you want that job and who freaking cares. Just print it off at Staples or your current work, no one will know!)

Tip#2: Beware of Flakes
Everyone has one, everyone knows what they look like and how they operate. I’m talking about those co-workers who promise the sun, moon and Pluto before realizing they can’t because they don’t have Adobe or they were on vacation when their computer crashed and their IT guy is in Europe and they checked, saw your email but then the computer died like RIGHT then, but you dont’ have experience anyways so please wait for the rejection letter because after two weeks we’ve still not made our decision – kind of co-worker. (please not all, except the adobe excuse) was used in a conversation I had yesterday with an interviewer. YES IT WAS THAT SAD.

If you notice you’re in an interview with a flake do the following:
  • ask for specific deadlines on when you’ll hear back from them
  • take every piece of information down but note which pieces are amazing as they are probably an exaggeration
  • do not fall for their seeming optimism about you fitting the position
  • be wary of promises
  • take everything said with a grain of salt and assume you’re not getting the job, because you’re not

The Flakey interviewers at the time of the interview know you are THE one and only for this position. Their heart goes a flutter, their cheeks flush with pink, they flitter about the office telling you where you’ll be sitting and how much they can’t wait for you to meet your soon to be coworkers. Hell, they’ll probably get right down to the nitty-gritty and ask when you can start and salary negotiations.

But the flake does this with every, single, applicant.

First you’re perfect, and the others are good but you’re a nice fit.
Then you won’t hear from them for two weeks.
Maybe two and a half.
They won’t respond to your emails, they won’t call you back. Until one day you ACTUALLY catch them and suddenly “I may have over-estimated your chances for this position, but I’ve still not made my decision.”

Flakes, are at best, unprofessional. They don’t contain their emotions and are incapable of keeping their words. Try not to let this determine if you get the job (I find quite a few flakes inhabit HR offices ‘round the world). If they’re the manager you report to, seek employment elsewhere as this could be a sign that they’ll flake off your project ideas, be inconsistent with payment of salary, and determine your booked holiday status was more optimistic before but now they’ll have to rethink because they just got back from THEIR vacation and their computer is broken.

You want someone who is a little cold to the interviewing process, knows what they’re doing and is straight with you. I’d rather hear at the interview or shortly after that there’s no chance in hell I’m getting the job over waiting a few weeks to be forgotten when I had this AMAZING interview, where we even talked about ordering me a chair that would be better for me.

Totally hate the flakes.

Tip#3: Sales People, when ‘On’, are evil manipulative pricks. Even the bitches.
I like sales people, don’t get me wrong. My step-dad is a salesman and he’s probably one of the most amazing men I’ve even known in my life.
But I’d hate to interview with him.
Sales people have an ‘On’ switch. I have it to, as I’m kinda good at sales myself. It’s a switch that turn’s ‘off’ your morality and considerations and turns ‘on’ the self driven and motivated monster within. It’s GREAT when you’re doing your sales job. People know what they’re in for, they are interested in your product (or don’t know that they are yet) and the salesman knows the game.

It’s a swift kill that all parties are normally consentual to.
Interviews, in my mind, are different. Yes it is a sales transaction of sorts, where you both get something from the deal but you are hiring an employee. Not buying a coffee maker.

Notes on Sales people:
  • They want their commission, so beware of agencies. They don’t care if the job suits you, as long as you’re added to their list of ‘successful hires’ even if you quit after two weeks. Hell, they’d probably convince you to work for the devil if they get a piece. (not all, but most...)
  • Despite what they tell you they do NOT know what’s best for you. YOU DO. Don’t just do what they say because it sounds like a good idea because the inflection of their awesome movie-phone-salesman-voice tells you to think so. WRONG! NO! BEING A DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN OF COLLEGE TEXTBOOKS IS NOT FOR YOU! Not when you applied to be a Marketing Assistant in an office.

There’s more that all falls under the category ‘they’re lying to make the sale’, the sale being you getting the job. Sometimes, if all you need is ANY old job great! They’re your best friend. But you’re not going to Williams-Sonoma to get a Wallmart quality coffee machine. If they tried to sell you one you’d strangle them with your overpriced Burberry scarf you bought at the Holt Renfrew next door.

Tip #4: Local Phone Interviews= sad-face L.
No one likes interviews. They’re not fun. You either rock them or blow them and it can’t be avoided by doing it over the phone. It’s often worse because you’ll probably still have to do an in person anyways and you’ve just extended your interviewing process. Or limited it needlessly because you say ‘umm’ on the phone too much.

Example: Marketing Assistant Agency Interview over the phone.
Location: Me, Pickering. Interviewer, Toronto. NOT THAT FAR.
Time: 7ish-pm on a Wednesday

Now I understand that he would be home during this time, so I’ll preface this by saying no I don’t expect him to be in the office. BUT I didn’t expect it to be with his friends laughing and joking in the background either.

Me: Hello ***, it’s Lisa-Marie calling for that pre-interview for the-“
Interviewer: OH YEAH! HI, hold on, *goes to talk to his friends, TV and music in the background. I wait about a minute or two before he comes back and closes a door* Sorry about that. So yeah, tell me about you.
Me: Well I’m currently working as an OE clerk and looking to begin a career in Publicity and Marketing.
Interviewer: This isn’t a publicity job.
Me (taken a back but the curt juncture): I’m aware, but I’m still interested in learning as much as I can about marketing with on job experience. It would be a nice change from where I am now.
Interviewer: I don’t have your resume.
Me: Oh, well I can give you a brief summary –
Interviewer: Nah, just tell me about you. Why do you want to work in Sales.
Me: Well I want to work in Marketing to gain some valuable industry experience. The position was listed as within the media so I thought-
Interviewer: You’ll learn more about the company when you go to the actual interview. This is more a preliminary phone call to see if my employer will like you. She had a great girl in this last position, like really amazing and she wants someone to come in and do everything exactly the same.
Me: Well I’m sure I can learn everything important on the job. Could you, give me some more information on the position? What it entails? The posting was rather limited. I know it did list a starting price at 35k but didn’t state the responsibilities-
Interviewer: 32k. Nah, not 35k.
Me (looking at printed off copy of the posting that clearly states 35-42k commensurate with experience): I see. I suppose the 35k must have been without the benefits, is that included in the 32k-“
Interviewer: Nah, you’re coming at this all wrong. You don’t know how to interview. You never ask about the benefits. I know her, she’ll not hire you for that right there. Sounds like you’re all about the money. And you’re a young girl, not like you have kids or anything so what do you need benefits for? Look. I have another position open. It’s in ‘books’. It’s a sales position but I think it’s just right for you. Part time, full time, it’s a travelling position. North York selling books.
Me: Oh? It’s a sales position with a publisher? I didn’t see that listed.
Interviewer: Well it’s a sales position yeah, you’d be going from school to school with some books and selling them. It sounds better for you now that I’ve talked to you.
Me: Well I’m more interested in a Toronto job, not really looking in North York or at anything just specifically in sales and I would like to know more about the company for Assistant position, I don’t even know the name-
Interviewer: Well, how about I get you to come into my office for an interview. You know, go over the basics of the job. Salary, company, location information. You have a car right? Yeah you’d be perfect for this book selling job. Why don’t you come in this Friday at 1pm?
Me: I do work 9-5, and would be unable to come on Friday with such short notice. But I could come in Monday.
Interviewer (who does not respond right away, the door to his room is open and someone is talking to him.):hmm? Oh, Monday sure. Yeah. Whenever. I have to go though. I’ll see you Monday.
I didn’t get a chance to say goodnight before he hung up.

I might not have been the right candidate for that position, but I made it clear I did not want this other job but he pushed it again for another day in emails before I called and cancelled the interview.

Morale of this Tip: Sales people are bad interviewers.
I don’t think he even knew my name by the end of it. So at the very least be prepared if you know the person interviewing you is a sales guy/gal. They might try to throw you under the bus and convince you want something you REALLY don’t.

Tip #5: Be yourself and do not give up.
Super Serial moment, all joking and bitterness aside, you should never give up looking for the right job. I’m not saying go live in your parent’s basement playing videogames all day long while eating all the food they buy for you and live like a social sap to those around you.
Get a day job. Work that shitty ass job you hate to stop from leeching off those that love you and keep looking for the right job. I am, I’m still a leech but I’m working hard and I know others in the same boat. This market right now is brutal and giving up is not an option.

Eventually you’ll have that interview that’ll either go great or horrible but will land you in a job you can be proud of.

Until then, fuck the fakes, screw the unprofessional flops, curse the sales people and be you. I’ll be here doin’ the same so at least you’re not alone?

Happy Hunting.


Tip the Final: Don’t Blog about this shit.
It could nip you in the ass, but I feel like sharing anyways. I like livin' on the edge!


Friday, April 29, 2011

Royal Wedding 2011: I couldn't resist....

You all know what this is from.
You all know what will happen.

She should have known better.... Miss Samantha Cameron at the royal wedding.

Made by me via stock photo's online. Yeah. I'm that awesome. Links: Silly Hats Only Image Samantha Cameron Photo

Royal Wedding 2011: Suzy Pouty-Face

No I didn’t watch it. To be honest I don’t get all the wedding hype. Not like I cared when Mulroony's kid got married. It’s just a goddamn wedding, but people were crying, marching in streets, getting up early. My mother had the tv plastered to it this morning. I asked her why, she said ‘because it’s important’. Eh. I don’t see it.

But anyways this isn’t going to be about how beautiful her dress was (it was though, I’ll give her that) or how ridiculous the hats were. That requires a dedicated education on ridiculous Brit hats I think.

This is all about this one picture.
Wedding Photo's, nabbed but credited to

That girl. Right there.

That kid will be forever remembered as Suzy Pouty-Face to me. And I know what was going through her head.

 "I’m bored”
“Kissing is gross”
“His face looks funny”
“I hate wearing dresses”
“These shoes hurt my tosies”
“There’s a bee in my flower crown”
“I want a real crown”
“Why can’t I be a princess?”
“I wanna be a princess”
“I’m hungry”
“I’m tired”
“It’s too loud!”
“I’m bored...”

Adorable cute pouty kid things that I remember thinking myself at weddings and other events where you’re put in a dress, told to be cute but quiet (two things that NEVER go hand in hand I think) and these things ALWAYS take longer than they really do as a child.
It sucks.

I feel for you little Suzy Pouty-Face. I really do. But proud all the same.

When you grow up you’ll look back at this photo and people will remember for years. You’ll be like the Coppertone Kid, but instead of your ass hanging out because of a puppy you get to live the rest of your life reliving THAT face. No one to blame but yourself.

Brave little soldier.
I commend you Suzy Pouty-Face for doing the right thing and pouting when EVERYONE is watching.
Everyone in the world.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Why Boys and Sex in the City Don't Mix

I love my boyfriend. This is why:
I’ve just borne witness to about 20 minutes of the second Sex in the City movie (Djuna was watching it while I made myself lunch) and my god, what the fuck is wrong with these people.  Whatsherface, Sara Jessica Parker’s character, is the most self centered passive aggressive bitch I’ve ever seen.  Gives her husband huge fucking guilt trips because he’s not paying constant attention to her and showering her with love and affection while doing things she wants, fuck what he wants, if he wants something he’s boring.  Then she runs off for two days to spend time apart from him to do what she wants in private, he thinks they should do that more often, then she’s like “WHY DO YOU WANT TO DIVORCE ME”, because obviously wanting to do things apart means THAT YOU RELATIONSHIP HAS FAILED, but of course if they have to spend time together they must do what she wants.   Meanwhile she’s leaving to go to the middle east with her slut friend and the other two who aren’t as slutty.  I’m sorry, the middle east?  Where people are thrown in jail for sex outside of marriage?  THE FUCK?!?!?!?
I know all the rage woman have for this show when it plays into sterotypical roles and the writing seems to have been drowned five times before being slapped together, but it's nice to see a man looking at it with an educated and intelligent perspective.

He makes good points.
And it makes me laugh.

I heart you Zach.
And I HATE you Sex in the City.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Rage Time: Chain Letters/Emails

This is something we've ALL seen and all felt some sort of pressure from. The chain Email, that stupid little thing your aunt or your friends, girlfriends, little sister sent you that ‘requires’ you pass it on.

I hate them, we all do, but I feel the need to address a certain kind of chain mail, or at least one, that I appreciate and understand the need for.

Irena Sendler. If you don’t know the name you need to stop, go to Wikipedia, look her up read the ENTIRE article then come back.
I’m serious. This is no joke. Irena Sendler Wiki Page

You back?


I received an email, or better said a chain letter, talking about Irena Sendler. I almost didn’t read it because I fucking hate chain letters with a passion. I am nearly to the point of wanting to walk down the hall and scream at a co-worker for having sent me one of those things AT WORK.

But this was different. It talked about who she was, what she’s done (no, I’m not telling you so go read the goddamn wiki-page already!), and why she deserved the win the Nobel prize but didn’t.

Of course it’s a tear jerking story but that’s not what I want to talk about.

It’s the importance of messages like this: the ones that actually mean something instead of the crap guarantying luck, money, happiness if you just click ‘Forward’.

I’ve never had a ‘real’ chain letter, just chain emails. And when you think about it, shouldn’t a letter be something so important you have to tell people, take the time to write it down and really think hard? Hell at one time it was something so important you had to pay for people to know?

Why do emails NOT fall under these rules? Sure it’s easier but don’t we all have something better to say to the multitude of people on our contact lists??

Like yesterday there was a woman on the subway. She was a chatty, middle-aged, Asian who had trouble with English but just wanted to talk. I was a few seats away and super tired, but there was a young man sitting in front of her. She started talking and he answered and talked back.
He wasn’t condescending.
He didn’t get up and move when she started to annoying him.
He played a long and indulged her.
Should he have had to? No. But it was nice.

He’s no Irena Sendler, but he was a kind young man, no more than 25 on a subway at 10:30 at night chatting to a strange little woman when he was obviously tired.

I think these moments are more important to me than hearing about how I can win 1 BILLION dollars by sending this to 52,000 people in the next 5 minutes.
I WANT people to know about this kind young man who sat there while this woman told him he should get a better coat because his mother might worry about him being cold. I like that people can know that I appreciate moments of kindness like this and that there are good people out there who aren’t so concerned with their own lives.

Kindness. Sadness Compassion. Heart. Soul. Tenderness. Hilarity. Important things belong in emails. Important.Like the drawing my aunt made of her late husband that she wanted to share with the family.
Updates from my father on what his yard looks like this spring.

An email from a friend I haven’t heard from in ages telling me the horrors of her ex and why she was so stupid for dating him in the first place.

Yes there’s all that other stuff we get in the mail. Bills, messages for Facebook, twitter follows and other crap. But they don’t mean what real emails/letters should mean.

So try this. It may sound stupid, and I don’t care what you think right now but just try it and let me know how it goes.

Send someone you like, love, enjoy an email telling them about something you like, love/hate, think is important or enjoy. It can be about another person. It could be a rant even. But send a good, heartfelt, honest email today. Or if you’re super artsy and silly like me send a snail-mail letter, hand written on pretty paper.
You will feel better for having shared something real. You will make someone feel just a little bit more special then they did before.

And so help me if you send a goddamn chain letter with one of those ‘send to five people if you want luck’ I’ll find you and take a pound of flesh for every person you demand the email is forwarded to.

No joke.

I'm that nuts.

Friday, February 18, 2011

I am not a fan of Writer’s Block

I am not a fan of Writer’s Block
WRITER'S BLOCK is a condition, associated with writing as a profession, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work. The condition varies widely in intensity. It can be trivial, a temporary difficulty in dealing with the task at hand. At the other extreme, some "blocked" writers have been unable to work for years on end, and some have even abandoned their careers. It can manifest as the affected writer viewing their work as inferior or unsuitable, when in fact it could be the opposite.

Currently, I suffer from this affliction so well noted on my favourite internet source; Wikipedia. Now we could dwell on what I’m blocked from writing, how I got here, what to do, blah blah blah.
But you’re not here for stories about ME. Well you are. But not the boring ones.

Today’s subject, for lack of something better, Wikipedia.
Wikipedia is a wonderfully distracting tool. It can be a source of information, misinformation, silly facts, horrible lies and an effective procrastination tool favoured by many in the writing, office, student and ‘alive’ occupation. We’ve all done it, we’re all doing it right now! There’s a word that’s new. There’s a place you’ve never heard of, there’s something really gross that you want to know the origin or a silly limerick you can’t remember the end of. Jokes, people, places, religion, products, imaginary lands, systems of government and law – you name it Wikipedia has it.
Like my favourite word:
BOX (plural boxes) describes a variety of containers and receptacles for permanent use as storage, or for temporary use often for transporting contents. The word derives from the Greek πύξος (puxos), "box, boxwood".

Don’t ask me how but there are 9 items on the table of contents for the box article on Wikipedia. The greek origin of the word and everything! Who needed to know so much about Box?

It has everything, even a meta-self referential section for those people who talk about meta-meta-meta-fiction-non-fiction-meta-meta.

WIKIPEDIA is a free, web-based, collaborative, multilingual encyclopedia project supported by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation. Its 17 million articles (over 3.4 million in English) have been written collaboratively by volunteers around the world, and almost all of its articles can be edited by anyone with access to the site. Wikipedia was launched in 2001 by Jimmy Wales and Larry Sanger  and has become the largest and most popular general reference work on the Internet, ranking seventh among all websites on Alexa and having 365 million readers.

Okay, I found it important to note that encyclopaedia was spelled incorrectly to my standards (US I believe, which is fine but dammit I’m Canadian! Spell it my way!)

On another note, I find that anyone who throws in a ‘meta’ seriously suddenly sounds like a prat.

1. PRAT Basically someone who’s a major idiot, or is delusional and dumb. Acts against logic and thinks he’s self-righteous. AKA: Major dumbass.
Good example: Percy from HP and from 5th book
"You stupid prat!"
2. PRAT n. English term, primarily used in United Kingdom. The literal meaning is "bottom" or "rump"; aka backside, buttocks, sacrum, tail end. This lends itself to the slang meaning of "ass," or "clueless person of arrogant stupidity." It is not always directly translatable to American slang. For example, if you used the term "prat hat" in the U.K., you would likely be laughed out of town by the locals.
I can't believe what an overbearing idiot he is. What a prat!
Strangely Wikipedia was lacking this definition. I had to make my way over to Urban So maybe Wikipedia doesn’t have something for everything?
Well that was a waste of time.