Monday, October 25, 2010

The Gods of Halloween are Made of Candy

I’m sure of this fact. 100%. We honour them with gifts of sweets, traded amongst ourselves. We generously give to strange children dressed up as cats, puppies, dinosaurs and Freddy Kruger (if they even know who the hell he is anymore...) Fake blood, or at least the homemade variety, is made from corn syrup, chocolate and other edible sweet bits. Sugar is the currency and it is good.

Does this justify the sticky parking brake and steering wheel in my car?

Yes. Yes it does.

The Toronto Zombie Walk as Saturday. Were you there? No?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN! Many turned out in masks/makeup/blood of all sorts. There was even zombie Santa. YAY! CHRISTMAS IS RUINED TOO! I love you Halloween... Nest year we ruin Easter and Thanksgiving. Zombie Turkey’s Unite!!

It was a lot of fun. Who could ever dislike seeing 6000+ people lumbering along groaning and moaning screaming brains while dripping blood from their lips, hands, (fake) intestines and eyes?  It should be more recognized and I’m sad to say there was NO television coverage. 6000+ people wandering the streets and no camera crews in sight?! A Travesty...  I told people at work who live in Toronto and have been in the GTA for at least 10 years a pop and not a one knew what I was talking about.

Yes I understand it’s been 8 years and is therefore not ‘new’ and ‘shiny’.  But doesn’t that make it COOLER because it’s BLOODIER?!?! For 8 years people have stumbled along Dundas, through Kensington Market meandering their way to Christie and Bloor scaring the locals ( or entertaining when that fails). Hundreds of people line the paths and watch.
This is an event. A culture gathering of Toronto’s many diverse people. It is a a time of sharing, a time of community, a time of BRAINS.  People bring their pets, their young kids and yes, I saw a few infants with zombie mommies. Who says the undead are infertile... THEY CAN LOVE TOO! THEY HAVE BABIES!! Hmmm... undeveloped child brains...

Was I a zombie?
NO! I eat cookies (Girl guide cookies sold by devilish girlguides who ambushed us in the subway station and successfully played on our weakness and flattered our zombie costumes therefore forcing us to purchase minty cookies which might have made me a little sick on the train over), not brains. At least this year. If I’m still within the country/province limits I’ll be attending next years as decked out as I can manage. Blood, guts, missing limbs if possible!  This year I was a survivor, or at least one on my way out. Not a heck of a lot of blood (Camera made that difficult) but it was enough to smudge in my car on the way to the Scarborough Town Centre. The messy jackets and bloody golf club are still in my trunk...

The bf and I spent Saturday morning prepping.
Prep = ‘s Corn syrup + food colour + dirt + four + water + make-up + shredded clothes
Before Zombie
After Zombies
                                 WHOOHOOO! I HAS A BLACK EYE!

But the point, I’ve not forgotten, is educating the world that Halloween is all about Candy. And Scaring people. Who are hyped up on sugar.
Is this a commercializing of a hundred year old tradition with roots in Samhain and All Saints Day??
Of course!
Does it make it better?!

I enjoy getting the shit scared out of me. Screamers, Haunted Wonderland, scary houses of mirrors... terrifying clowns of watery revengeful doom...evil battery rotted furgbee’s hiding in my basement walls echoing ‘FEED ME, ME HUNGY!’  It’s all what makes you feel alive right before you realize that maybe those fake zombies aren’t so fake and that alive feeling is the sheer terror or seeing your death stumble towards you at the shocking speed of 3 seconds a step.
The Zombie Walk was a great prep for the next weekend. My favourite Holiday of the year; not just because of candy... but that has a LOT to do with it. I get weak in the knees for Oh Henry bars.

So in honour of the candy Halloween Gods please share candy.

---> Do not give out cans of pop that weigh down your pillow case so you can’t fit more candy in and have to go home earlier because your arms are tired.

---> Do not provide ‘healthy’ alternatives like sugar free gum and crappy apples. I HATE YOU APPLE GIVERS!

---> Give generously to those toddlers who’ve been trained by their parents to think looking cute on Halloween is the way to do it. It’s not. You need to be scary on Halloween. It’s freaking ADORABLE but it makes me want to chase them screaming ‘I EAT BUMBBLEBEES!!!!’ (I’m thinking of those little tiny tots in bumble costumes... adorable edibles)
---> Torture those 14-17 year olds who still trick-or-treat despite being WAY too big and WAY too old. And I mean it, egg them if you can! Put candy wrappers in their pillow case and tell them to get a job.

---> Scold and egg the parents of slutty kids who dress up like Snooki or Paris Hilton (I was going to say Spice Girls but that would have SERIOUSLY dated me. I miss the days when dressing up like a Spice Girl was a slutty as it got...)If you let your child look like a whore they do NOT get candy as a reward. NO CANDY FOR CHILD WHORES! Regular ones get Lollipops. Tootsy Pops if available.
---> Participate in a ‘bout of neighbourly competition by making the BEST Halloween set up on your lawns/driveways and garages and then TP one another in revenge. You’ll feel young again! And then old and crotchety when you’ve seen your own house has been TP’ed. Isn’t it GREAT?!

‘Tis the Season, my friends, spread the fear. 

Friday, October 22, 2010

How to write your first blog =’s LAME

So I’ve started a blog. Hurray! YOU’RE HERE!
But, like many of the mass public out there ‘blogging’, I don’t really have MUCH to talk about. I mean I have things to SAY but not for an opener right? You want to start off with a pop! A BANG!


Yeah, I still have nothing.

So I went online – I looked at blogs. I looked at blogs on blogging. I looked at blogs titled “How to write your first blog post” with 'tips' and let me just spoil it right here for you – they were all rather lame.

·         Who you are                                                      
·         Why you are blogging. 
·         What will you be blogging about                         
·         How I can leave feedback. 
·         Ask a Question                                                   
·         Share an Anecdote or Quote
·         Invoke the Mind’s Eye                                        
·         Use an Analogy, Metaphor or Simile
·         Cite a Shocking Statistic                                     
·         Keep it Short
·         Create a Memorable Headline                             
·         Make a List
·         Bonus Tip: One of the most important parts of your blog post is the closing. A great way to close is to tie back into your opening.

These are some of the tips and starter kits topics for blogging. But I think I'd like to address them individually to asses how or why we should use them in a first post. 

Who are you?
                Who cares! You obviously didn’t come here to learn more about me. You came here for entertainment. Maybe if I was a dancing monkey wearing a sombrero and scratching my nuts you’d be here to see me, you’d want to know ‘hey- why’s that monkey scratching his nuts?’ (Because wearing a sombrero is an obvious and logical hat solution for all primates) But no, you’re here for fun. Not to be educated.

Why are you blogging?
                To blog. It’s a retarded question that I refuse to answer: MOVE ON!

What will you be blogging about?
“Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when
we're together”. But today I’m blogging about blogging. Welcome to the meta bullshit that you have found on the interwebs. Did you want a cookie?

How can I leave feedback?
                YOU CAN’T HAVE THE COOKIE! Not unless you comment. And even then man, I’m not made of cookies. I’m made of goo and gelatinous fuzzy worms. Should you like to leave a message for the fuzzy worms you may do so below or after the beep. HOWEVER if you do NOT know how to comment on blogs you’re probably not going to in the first place.
                So no cookie for you.

Ask a Question
                Why don’t YOU ask a question?

Share an Anecdote or Quote
                I’ve already covered this one and I find it redundant to quote when asked to quote. Years of essays demanding quotes to prove myself right has jaded me to this request. I’ll not quote damn you! Not today…
However, Anecdotes I have in SAPDES! Like the one about my melty faced evil singing clown of doom. That’s an awesome one. It’d be great to start a blog with the melty faced evil singing clown of doom. Man I’d totally love to read that one. 

Invoke the Mind’s Eye
Yes I too can use photoediting for the GREATER GOOD!
 Image©Lisa-Marie Wilson 2010
                Why make people imagine things. If I’ve learned anything about people who go online and do random shit (like reading blogs) it’s that they don’t want to imagine things. They like the instant gratification of kitty pictures, cake disasters, hand drawn messes of hyperbolic anecdotes and photoshoped speech bubbles that defy explanation or logic. Because me telling you there’s a cute kitty that wants to has cheeseburger is nowhere NEAR as fun as seeing it. Nor as fun as seeing a cheeseburger that wants to haz kitty. THAT’S adorable.  

Use an Analogy, Metaphor or Simile
                What is this GRADE Six?!? Why the HELL is this advice for a blog?? If you don’t use analogy, metaphors or similes in your everyday speech and dialogue you’re like a retarded pink donkey that wants to be a tap dancing hoola hoopin’ ninja: We’ll stare but we won’t care or respect you.

Cite a Shocking Statistic
                95% of this is Bullshit.
                98% of people will never read this.
                1% will read it and understand completely meaning you should calmly take them to your local Psych ward and ask if you’ll get a cash reimbursement for your crazy.
                1% will go looking for a retarded pink donkey that wants to tap dance and hoola hoop while testing out his ninja skills.  (I see a blog project in the future... I wonder how many people could draw this...)

Keep it Short
                You keep it short. Tiny. 

Create a Memorable Headline
Bad headline:"Make Good Bread."
Good headline:"5 Tips for Making the Perfect Loaf of Bread."
Bad headline: How to make your first blog post (the title of ALL these blogs)

Make a List
1.       Make a blog account
2.       Write blog entry
3.       Realize you don’t have shit to say
4.       Look up what to say in first blog entry
5.       Rip on those guys for writing silly blog’s about blogging
6.       Realize you’re no better and would like to go have a tete-a-tete with Ben AND Jerry.

Bonus Tip: One of the most important parts of your blog post is the closing. A great way to close is to tie back into your opening.
Bonus tip... like a free blog on how to blog has any ‘bonus’ to add. It’s not like I paid for in the information! In fact I’m pretty sure no one ever has (save for the lovely “How to blog for Dummies book that I is available at your local clicks and mortor online book store)
So I countered this Bonus tip with a bonus tip of my own: Don't write a 'how to write your first blog' blog.  It always ends in tears and no cookies.