Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Happiness is a Toonie Sized Pancake. In your mouth.

There are few things in the world that can bring about pure happiness. Well, there are a lot of things, but sometimes they’re masked by the bullshit that makes life stinky. Like rotten compost bins, getting slapped (the opposite of slapping someone) with a metal ruler or having lipstick on your teeth while at an interview. This is especially shitty for boys.

Pancakes are an escape from that.

Now I’m not a coinsurer, not like I’m that great at baked goods either but pancakes make everyone happy. 

Children: They like happy shapes! Animals, dinosaurs, (because they are not to be categorized with animals I say! They are more RAWRsome), shapes, blobs that defy the original simple round cohesive form practiced by flapjack-shops world ‘round.
I shall say Jim’s pancakes are Awesome (clicky-clicky-for-a-linky) Jim's Pancakes.com - SUPA FUN!

Hoity-Toity Folk: The perfectly shaped rounds, just the perfect thickness with the right amount of exotic fruit from Whole Foods topped with all natural (but not homemade – that would take effort) whipped crème, or crème fraiche topped with a sprig of mint from someone else’s garden.

Grown-Up Children: STAR WARS PANCAKE SHAPES!!!! COUPLED WITH VADER SPATULA! This may be every overgrown boy and girl’s heaven. To eat Vader’s head... to nibble on Yoda’s ear or rip a chunk of the Millennium Falcon while making ‘petew petew’ sounds of lazors in SPACE!

Witches: Cactus. (Yes, for all your girls out there that was a reference to classic 90’s film Practical Magic! SUCK ON THAT PANCAKE!)

Me: Toonie Sized Pancakes. My boyfriend has discovered that I get weak for tiny or adorable things. Items of minimalist stature or impeccable cuteness seem to squeeze little sounds form my lips that, like a chew toy, entice others to make me squeal more. He thinks it’s funny. Everyone thinks it’s funny.
I’m normally too wrapped up in the “DAWWWW!” (Insert rising pitch of voice) to notice that I look like a retarded grandmother seeking to pinch some chubby cheeks.

So, he made me a Toonie Sized Pancake. It requires capitals because it was that momentous. IT WAS SO TINY! LOOK IT FITS ON MY TONGUE! 

And it was delicious. Pancakes are easy to make (for my boyfriend – me.... not so much). It was adorable and inspired many photo’s and probably about 15 minutes of giggling on my behalf while trying soo damn hard not to eat it. I should frame it and put it in my kitchen when I have a kitchen.

Hmmm pancakes.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Gloom Void

That feeling we all have when suddenly everything sucks. There’s not light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, no more dreams, no more fantasies. Sunshine is useless, happy music is maddening, that break from work at the office has become a never ending waiting period and chocolate, although tasty, brings no sense of joyness.
I had plans to do something fun and exciting for you all today, but the applecart is trapped in the void. No longer just upset but silly gloomy to the point where it’s kinda silly.
I feel bad for those around me, but then I remember that things suck and the sympathy fades. SCREW YOU NEW GIRL! FIGURE OUT THE DAMN SYSTEM YOURSELF! GO TO HELL COFFEE MUG! I’M NOT CLEANING YOU NO MATTER HOW DIRTY YOU ARE!
Screw the world. Screw it all.
Gloom void.
It sparks every now and then. Moments of rage hidden beneath sullen frowns and stink face. You know what I’m talking about.  

(Stink-face:n, The face you made as a five year old when you were told ‘NO’ and you then responded with ‘But I WANNA!!!!’ And stomped your foot because that + look of your adorable face scrunched into pure distaste SHOULD be enough to make anyone apologize and give you whatever the fuck you had wanted in the first place. Plus more. )
The state of  voidyness prompts the desire for made up childish words. Such as ‘Numtee*’ ‘Stink-Face’ and ‘MEANY!’
*Numtee is beyond definition, know only this:  if you are thusly named numtee I am displeased. Or screwing with you: it’s a toss up!
So this is brought to you from the gloom void. Full of stink face that I am wearing. Sitting with my shoes off at my office desk because like HELL I’m going to give those jerks in Guelph the credits they’re bitching about. While wearing shoes. That’s lame. My feets (feet for those who don’t realize suckyness means things that are already pluralized become more plural) don’t like to be confined. Not now. NOT IN THE VOID!
I’ll leave you with some tips that may help you escape the void, or at least feign enjoyment while trapped in the gloomy gloom gloom that is suck.
1. Take off your shoes. They could be the cause of your gloom.
2. Stink face repeatedly. The more you do, the more angry you feel and the gloom turns into rage which can be taken out upon another.
3. Call someone and complain. Like demanding credits from someone who will OBVOIUSLY not do a damn thing about it. I do believe the asshats in Guelph are feeling as gloomy as I.
4. If you are being pestered (Guelph) Ignore the pestering pricks despite your professional duty to see to it the work is done.
5. Procrastinate by writing blog about procrastination in a gloomy state.
6. Put different shoes on and then TAKE THEM OFF WITH A LOUD ‘HMPH’. Just so everyone around you is now aware of your state of ‘meh’ and gloomyness.
7. Spread your gloom by making someone else’s day shitty. (could backfire if you are prone to guilt and are in a terrible state in the gloom void.Also, this appears to be a repeat of #4)
8. Tell your bf/gf/significant other/pet and get them to post silly things like !cid_9C18E047916B40F88A796FEF5AAC4996@COMPTAR
9. Go pee. Why? Because you just gigglesnorted from that picture.
10. Walk around your office barefoot (sock footed) and when people stare just stare back with attitude. It feels good. Trust me.
11. Take a nap. When you wake up all your problems will- no, wait.Sorry, wrong list.
12. Write a list.
14. Repeat 12 + 13 while doing 2.
Now use this list when trapped and you’ll probably still be stuck afterwards.
But, chocolate will still taste good. Even if your gloom forces you to pretend you don’t enjoy it.
P.S. I realized, earlier this evening after writing this but before posting, that Apple Cider is the cure for everything. Drink it and you will no longer be trapped in the void. However I still strongly recommend you take off your shoes.