Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Llama au Chapeau

Experiments in Exploring my ‘Free’ and ‘Uninhibited’ Self
(ie: lisa’s gonna pretend to be a hippie because it’s funny)

Hey man. Woman, Spiritual being and partner in this earth of ours. Hey.
How are you? I don’t just mean your physical shell, but your soul. Your spirit. How are you?

I feel the need to explain my awareness experience into my true self today, to show you how you can live together in harmony with your world and your brothers and your sisters, everyone and every living thing by dismissing the world presented around you.

When was the last time you took a look at yourself? Not just in the mirror, but into your ‘self’.
I did today. I found out who I am. I went from scrunched high heeled shoes – like the confining government with its rules, and the commercial society with its unspoken social constraints – I took off those heels man, I took them off and saw myself.

In my feet.

In those shoes I was stifled, trapped, shrinking and in agony. But I looked good. I looked tailored and stylish because the pressure to be like everyone else was so strong. It overpowers you, pushes you away from your ‘self’ and into those pointed high heels. Tiptoeing around the world like I’m better than the dirt, like I don’t want my feet to get wet.

But now that I’m out, I am my feet. I look down and see the marks from the tight strap fade away, the arch of my foot no longer so high. I knead the carpet with my toes and think ‘yes, you are your feet not the shoes you wear’ . The soft fabric of the carpet feels so real, so soft compared to the hard suede sole of my shoe – Stolen from the great mother earth!
I am not afraid to get my feet wet. To splash about in the office sink – no my friend, I will not shy away from the great water giving watercooler who’s precious drink came from the great mother herself! I will embrace the sweet sensation of cool, crisp tap liquid cascading like a natural hidden waterfall into my soul.

There, in my soul, is a llama; a great majestic llama that stands proud and true. He does not wear heeled shoes – he has no shoes! There, in the depths of my soul, I am that llama chewing slowly on that tall bitter grass, twitching my ears as I please. There’s not social conformity pressing me down there. I can drink the muddy pool water all I want – I’m a llama in a chapeau and there’s nothing in the world that can stop me.

I feel the llama reaching out. Slowly trotting his way into my reality. I know I am the llama, I feel it between my now freed toes as I chew on bits of paper from the copy machine and wear an empty box on my head.
I swerve between cubicles, standing tall. “You’re all trapped man!” I yell, and I tell you now you too are trapped. Trapped by the devices that control you life and demand social interaction from the faceless men and women you’ll never face. Trapped by the clothes and the shoes and the smells you wear.
I’ll not wash my feet of the tap water. I’ll let them ferment into a solid stench that reminds you, Mrs Accounts Receivable in the cubicle next door, how free I am. You, Mrs HR Manager, that I will not be held down by your ‘Rules’ ‘Regulations’ and ‘WHIMS Handbook of Guides to Safe operation of Large Machinery’. And to you... Mr President. I’ll not be guided by your friendly money providing hand in exchange for a fair work schedule of 9-5 each day confined in those terrible horrible shoes I bought willingly with the money you provided me!

I am a Llama au chapeau!

If you too would like to be free please follow the link to my online store where you can find my book on “How to be a Llama in a Hat” by High Priestess RiverStorm PassingWindMountain along with other ‘Free’* and ‘Uninhibited’ paraphernalia that will help you to find your soul and self in your feet.

*Free is, in this case, an expression and does not denote the cost of the items you shall find available for monetary purchase online.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Happiness is a Toonie Sized Pancake. In your mouth.

There are few things in the world that can bring about pure happiness. Well, there are a lot of things, but sometimes they’re masked by the bullshit that makes life stinky. Like rotten compost bins, getting slapped (the opposite of slapping someone) with a metal ruler or having lipstick on your teeth while at an interview. This is especially shitty for boys.

Pancakes are an escape from that.

Now I’m not a coinsurer, not like I’m that great at baked goods either but pancakes make everyone happy. 

Children: They like happy shapes! Animals, dinosaurs, (because they are not to be categorized with animals I say! They are more RAWRsome), shapes, blobs that defy the original simple round cohesive form practiced by flapjack-shops world ‘round.
I shall say Jim’s pancakes are Awesome (clicky-clicky-for-a-linky) Jim's Pancakes.com - SUPA FUN!

Hoity-Toity Folk: The perfectly shaped rounds, just the perfect thickness with the right amount of exotic fruit from Whole Foods topped with all natural (but not homemade – that would take effort) whipped crème, or crème fraiche topped with a sprig of mint from someone else’s garden.

Grown-Up Children: STAR WARS PANCAKE SHAPES!!!! COUPLED WITH VADER SPATULA! This may be every overgrown boy and girl’s heaven. To eat Vader’s head... to nibble on Yoda’s ear or rip a chunk of the Millennium Falcon while making ‘petew petew’ sounds of lazors in SPACE!

Witches: Cactus. (Yes, for all your girls out there that was a reference to classic 90’s film Practical Magic! SUCK ON THAT PANCAKE!)

Me: Toonie Sized Pancakes. My boyfriend has discovered that I get weak for tiny or adorable things. Items of minimalist stature or impeccable cuteness seem to squeeze little sounds form my lips that, like a chew toy, entice others to make me squeal more. He thinks it’s funny. Everyone thinks it’s funny.
I’m normally too wrapped up in the “DAWWWW!” (Insert rising pitch of voice) to notice that I look like a retarded grandmother seeking to pinch some chubby cheeks.

So, he made me a Toonie Sized Pancake. It requires capitals because it was that momentous. IT WAS SO TINY! LOOK IT FITS ON MY TONGUE! 

And it was delicious. Pancakes are easy to make (for my boyfriend – me.... not so much). It was adorable and inspired many photo’s and probably about 15 minutes of giggling on my behalf while trying soo damn hard not to eat it. I should frame it and put it in my kitchen when I have a kitchen.

Hmmm pancakes.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Gloom Void

That feeling we all have when suddenly everything sucks. There’s not light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, no more dreams, no more fantasies. Sunshine is useless, happy music is maddening, that break from work at the office has become a never ending waiting period and chocolate, although tasty, brings no sense of joyness.
I had plans to do something fun and exciting for you all today, but the applecart is trapped in the void. No longer just upset but silly gloomy to the point where it’s kinda silly.
I feel bad for those around me, but then I remember that things suck and the sympathy fades. SCREW YOU NEW GIRL! FIGURE OUT THE DAMN SYSTEM YOURSELF! GO TO HELL COFFEE MUG! I’M NOT CLEANING YOU NO MATTER HOW DIRTY YOU ARE!
Screw the world. Screw it all.
Gloom void.
It sparks every now and then. Moments of rage hidden beneath sullen frowns and stink face. You know what I’m talking about.  

(Stink-face:n, The face you made as a five year old when you were told ‘NO’ and you then responded with ‘But I WANNA!!!!’ And stomped your foot because that + look of your adorable face scrunched into pure distaste SHOULD be enough to make anyone apologize and give you whatever the fuck you had wanted in the first place. Plus more. )
The state of  voidyness prompts the desire for made up childish words. Such as ‘Numtee*’ ‘Stink-Face’ and ‘MEANY!’
*Numtee is beyond definition, know only this:  if you are thusly named numtee I am displeased. Or screwing with you: it’s a toss up!
So this is brought to you from the gloom void. Full of stink face that I am wearing. Sitting with my shoes off at my office desk because like HELL I’m going to give those jerks in Guelph the credits they’re bitching about. While wearing shoes. That’s lame. My feets (feet for those who don’t realize suckyness means things that are already pluralized become more plural) don’t like to be confined. Not now. NOT IN THE VOID!
I’ll leave you with some tips that may help you escape the void, or at least feign enjoyment while trapped in the gloomy gloom gloom that is suck.
1. Take off your shoes. They could be the cause of your gloom.
2. Stink face repeatedly. The more you do, the more angry you feel and the gloom turns into rage which can be taken out upon another.
3. Call someone and complain. Like demanding credits from someone who will OBVOIUSLY not do a damn thing about it. I do believe the asshats in Guelph are feeling as gloomy as I.
4. If you are being pestered (Guelph) Ignore the pestering pricks despite your professional duty to see to it the work is done.
5. Procrastinate by writing blog about procrastination in a gloomy state.
6. Put different shoes on and then TAKE THEM OFF WITH A LOUD ‘HMPH’. Just so everyone around you is now aware of your state of ‘meh’ and gloomyness.
7. Spread your gloom by making someone else’s day shitty. (could backfire if you are prone to guilt and are in a terrible state in the gloom void.Also, this appears to be a repeat of #4)
8. Tell your bf/gf/significant other/pet and get them to post silly things like !cid_9C18E047916B40F88A796FEF5AAC4996@COMPTAR
9. Go pee. Why? Because you just gigglesnorted from that picture.
10. Walk around your office barefoot (sock footed) and when people stare just stare back with attitude. It feels good. Trust me.
11. Take a nap. When you wake up all your problems will- no, wait.Sorry, wrong list.
12. Write a list.
14. Repeat 12 + 13 while doing 2.
Now use this list when trapped and you’ll probably still be stuck afterwards.
But, chocolate will still taste good. Even if your gloom forces you to pretend you don’t enjoy it.
P.S. I realized, earlier this evening after writing this but before posting, that Apple Cider is the cure for everything. Drink it and you will no longer be trapped in the void. However I still strongly recommend you take off your shoes.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Gods of Halloween are Made of Candy

I’m sure of this fact. 100%. We honour them with gifts of sweets, traded amongst ourselves. We generously give to strange children dressed up as cats, puppies, dinosaurs and Freddy Kruger (if they even know who the hell he is anymore...) Fake blood, or at least the homemade variety, is made from corn syrup, chocolate and other edible sweet bits. Sugar is the currency and it is good.

Does this justify the sticky parking brake and steering wheel in my car?

Yes. Yes it does.

The Toronto Zombie Walk as Saturday. Were you there? No?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN! Many turned out in masks/makeup/blood of all sorts. There was even zombie Santa. YAY! CHRISTMAS IS RUINED TOO! I love you Halloween... Nest year we ruin Easter and Thanksgiving. Zombie Turkey’s Unite!!

It was a lot of fun. Who could ever dislike seeing 6000+ people lumbering along groaning and moaning screaming brains while dripping blood from their lips, hands, (fake) intestines and eyes?  It should be more recognized and I’m sad to say there was NO television coverage. 6000+ people wandering the streets and no camera crews in sight?! A Travesty...  I told people at work who live in Toronto and have been in the GTA for at least 10 years a pop and not a one knew what I was talking about.

Yes I understand it’s been 8 years and is therefore not ‘new’ and ‘shiny’.  But doesn’t that make it COOLER because it’s BLOODIER?!?! For 8 years people have stumbled along Dundas, through Kensington Market meandering their way to Christie and Bloor scaring the locals ( or entertaining when that fails). Hundreds of people line the paths and watch.
This is an event. A culture gathering of Toronto’s many diverse people. It is a a time of sharing, a time of community, a time of BRAINS.  People bring their pets, their young kids and yes, I saw a few infants with zombie mommies. Who says the undead are infertile... THEY CAN LOVE TOO! THEY HAVE BABIES!! Hmmm... undeveloped child brains...

Was I a zombie?
NO! I eat cookies (Girl guide cookies sold by devilish girlguides who ambushed us in the subway station and successfully played on our weakness and flattered our zombie costumes therefore forcing us to purchase minty cookies which might have made me a little sick on the train over), not brains. At least this year. If I’m still within the country/province limits I’ll be attending next years as decked out as I can manage. Blood, guts, missing limbs if possible!  This year I was a survivor, or at least one on my way out. Not a heck of a lot of blood (Camera made that difficult) but it was enough to smudge in my car on the way to the Scarborough Town Centre. The messy jackets and bloody golf club are still in my trunk...

The bf and I spent Saturday morning prepping.
Prep = ‘s Corn syrup + food colour + dirt + four + water + make-up + shredded clothes
Before Zombie
After Zombies
                                 WHOOHOOO! I HAS A BLACK EYE!

But the point, I’ve not forgotten, is educating the world that Halloween is all about Candy. And Scaring people. Who are hyped up on sugar.
Is this a commercializing of a hundred year old tradition with roots in Samhain and All Saints Day??
Of course!
Does it make it better?!

I enjoy getting the shit scared out of me. Screamers, Haunted Wonderland, scary houses of mirrors... terrifying clowns of watery revengeful doom...evil battery rotted furgbee’s hiding in my basement walls echoing ‘FEED ME, ME HUNGY!’  It’s all what makes you feel alive right before you realize that maybe those fake zombies aren’t so fake and that alive feeling is the sheer terror or seeing your death stumble towards you at the shocking speed of 3 seconds a step.
The Zombie Walk was a great prep for the next weekend. My favourite Holiday of the year; not just because of candy... but that has a LOT to do with it. I get weak in the knees for Oh Henry bars.

So in honour of the candy Halloween Gods please share candy.

---> Do not give out cans of pop that weigh down your pillow case so you can’t fit more candy in and have to go home earlier because your arms are tired.

---> Do not provide ‘healthy’ alternatives like sugar free gum and crappy apples. I HATE YOU APPLE GIVERS!

---> Give generously to those toddlers who’ve been trained by their parents to think looking cute on Halloween is the way to do it. It’s not. You need to be scary on Halloween. It’s freaking ADORABLE but it makes me want to chase them screaming ‘I EAT BUMBBLEBEES!!!!’ (I’m thinking of those little tiny tots in bumble costumes... adorable edibles)
---> Torture those 14-17 year olds who still trick-or-treat despite being WAY too big and WAY too old. And I mean it, egg them if you can! Put candy wrappers in their pillow case and tell them to get a job.

---> Scold and egg the parents of slutty kids who dress up like Snooki or Paris Hilton (I was going to say Spice Girls but that would have SERIOUSLY dated me. I miss the days when dressing up like a Spice Girl was a slutty as it got...)If you let your child look like a whore they do NOT get candy as a reward. NO CANDY FOR CHILD WHORES! Regular ones get Lollipops. Tootsy Pops if available.
---> Participate in a ‘bout of neighbourly competition by making the BEST Halloween set up on your lawns/driveways and garages and then TP one another in revenge. You’ll feel young again! And then old and crotchety when you’ve seen your own house has been TP’ed. Isn’t it GREAT?!

‘Tis the Season, my friends, spread the fear. 

Friday, October 22, 2010

How to write your first blog =’s LAME

So I’ve started a blog. Hurray! YOU’RE HERE!
But, like many of the mass public out there ‘blogging’, I don’t really have MUCH to talk about. I mean I have things to SAY but not for an opener right? You want to start off with a pop! A BANG!


Yeah, I still have nothing.

So I went online – I looked at blogs. I looked at blogs on blogging. I looked at blogs titled “How to write your first blog post” with 'tips' and let me just spoil it right here for you – they were all rather lame.

·         Who you are                                                      
·         Why you are blogging. 
·         What will you be blogging about                         
·         How I can leave feedback. 
·         Ask a Question                                                   
·         Share an Anecdote or Quote
·         Invoke the Mind’s Eye                                        
·         Use an Analogy, Metaphor or Simile
·         Cite a Shocking Statistic                                     
·         Keep it Short
·         Create a Memorable Headline                             
·         Make a List
·         Bonus Tip: One of the most important parts of your blog post is the closing. A great way to close is to tie back into your opening.

These are some of the tips and starter kits topics for blogging. But I think I'd like to address them individually to asses how or why we should use them in a first post. 

Who are you?
                Who cares! You obviously didn’t come here to learn more about me. You came here for entertainment. Maybe if I was a dancing monkey wearing a sombrero and scratching my nuts you’d be here to see me, you’d want to know ‘hey- why’s that monkey scratching his nuts?’ (Because wearing a sombrero is an obvious and logical hat solution for all primates) But no, you’re here for fun. Not to be educated.

Why are you blogging?
                To blog. It’s a retarded question that I refuse to answer: MOVE ON!

What will you be blogging about?
“Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when
we're together”. But today I’m blogging about blogging. Welcome to the meta bullshit that you have found on the interwebs. Did you want a cookie?

How can I leave feedback?
                YOU CAN’T HAVE THE COOKIE! Not unless you comment. And even then man, I’m not made of cookies. I’m made of goo and gelatinous fuzzy worms. Should you like to leave a message for the fuzzy worms you may do so below or after the beep. HOWEVER if you do NOT know how to comment on blogs you’re probably not going to in the first place.
                So no cookie for you.

Ask a Question
                Why don’t YOU ask a question?

Share an Anecdote or Quote
                I’ve already covered this one and I find it redundant to quote when asked to quote. Years of essays demanding quotes to prove myself right has jaded me to this request. I’ll not quote damn you! Not today…
However, Anecdotes I have in SAPDES! Like the one about my melty faced evil singing clown of doom. That’s an awesome one. It’d be great to start a blog with the melty faced evil singing clown of doom. Man I’d totally love to read that one. 

Invoke the Mind’s Eye
Yes I too can use photoediting for the GREATER GOOD!
 Image©Lisa-Marie Wilson 2010
                Why make people imagine things. If I’ve learned anything about people who go online and do random shit (like reading blogs) it’s that they don’t want to imagine things. They like the instant gratification of kitty pictures, cake disasters, hand drawn messes of hyperbolic anecdotes and photoshoped speech bubbles that defy explanation or logic. Because me telling you there’s a cute kitty that wants to has cheeseburger is nowhere NEAR as fun as seeing it. Nor as fun as seeing a cheeseburger that wants to haz kitty. THAT’S adorable.  

Use an Analogy, Metaphor or Simile
                What is this GRADE Six?!? Why the HELL is this advice for a blog?? If you don’t use analogy, metaphors or similes in your everyday speech and dialogue you’re like a retarded pink donkey that wants to be a tap dancing hoola hoopin’ ninja: We’ll stare but we won’t care or respect you.

Cite a Shocking Statistic
                95% of this is Bullshit.
                98% of people will never read this.
                1% will read it and understand completely meaning you should calmly take them to your local Psych ward and ask if you’ll get a cash reimbursement for your crazy.
                1% will go looking for a retarded pink donkey that wants to tap dance and hoola hoop while testing out his ninja skills.  (I see a blog project in the future... I wonder how many people could draw this...)

Keep it Short
                You keep it short. Tiny. 

Create a Memorable Headline
Bad headline:"Make Good Bread."
Good headline:"5 Tips for Making the Perfect Loaf of Bread."
Bad headline: How to make your first blog post (the title of ALL these blogs)

Make a List
1.       Make a blog account
2.       Write blog entry
3.       Realize you don’t have shit to say
4.       Look up what to say in first blog entry
5.       Rip on those guys for writing silly blog’s about blogging
6.       Realize you’re no better and would like to go have a tete-a-tete with Ben AND Jerry.

Bonus Tip: One of the most important parts of your blog post is the closing. A great way to close is to tie back into your opening.
Bonus tip... like a free blog on how to blog has any ‘bonus’ to add. It’s not like I paid for in the information! In fact I’m pretty sure no one ever has (save for the lovely “How to blog for Dummies book that I is available at your local clicks and mortor online book store)
So I countered this Bonus tip with a bonus tip of my own: Don't write a 'how to write your first blog' blog.  It always ends in tears and no cookies.